Traveling sucks! Let’s just start with that. Let me be specific. I like taking long drives in the mountains, or on long deserted roads where there’s great scenery and wonderful places to stop and camp. However, slogging into an airport, dealing with the sniveling, sneezing, whiny, smelly, rude, and generally unkempt masses makes me want to scream!
Let’s just start with the preparation. I can’t just pack a bag and go. Because some asshole who decided to blow up a plane using whatever came to mind I now have to make sure I don’t have anything that might resemble a bomb, or any object that might resemble a deadly weapon. The problem is that even a set of car keys can be a deadly weapon so you never know what security is going to flag. They have a list, but it’s not complete, and it changes depending not only on which airport, but which minimum wage idiot needs to feel your crotch.
You have to be careful about how many bags you use too. This isn’t too bad for me, but when my wife goes away for longer than a weekend it requires a three-week logistical analysis of semi routes and freight train schedules. I’m now eligible to be a member of the Teamsters due to all the bags of her’s I’ve carried. To make it worse airlines now charge for every bag so you need a second mortgage to pay for it if you’re going to have anything larger than a shave case!
I live outside Denver so the commute to the airport in good traffic is about an hour. That’s not so bad, but if you have to make the drive in rush hour traffic consider three to four hours of stop and go joy and amusement. There’s a reason I commute to work at 5 a.m. I don’t want to deal with people. The problem is that you have to make sure you schedule a flight that coordinates with traffic. That means if you’re going to make it to the airport, get through security, and board your plane on time, you have to leave for your Friday afternoon flight on a Tuesday morning. I’m better off driving!
Now let’s talk about boarding the plane. This is a fun experience. I don’t travel all that much, because as I mentioned before…I hate it. Still, it took me about two seconds of my first flight to figure out how to put my bags away. The process is pretty simple: find your seat, put your bag in the overhead compartment. However, I’m amazed at the sheer number of people that have difficulty managing this simple concept. The looks on their faces is mind boggling. They’re actually confused by this simple concept.
I mean I can’t blame all of the slow process of boarding on stupid people. The plan isle isn’t wide enough for a two year old so an adult trying to maneuver is almost impossible, but I see people trying to walk up and down the isles while others are trying to put their bags away and the whole process is frightening! Sit your ass down and WAIT! If you needed to pee you should have done it before you got on the damn plane!
Once in flight you’re stuck in this tube for the duration so the best thing to do is to try and relax. However that’s not always possible. To start with I think there should be a new law. Babies and young children should be sedated on flights longer than 10 minutes. That’s right…10…fucking…minutes! After listening to an 18 month old kid whine, watch him bite his mother, and SCREAM at the top of his lungs for FOUR CAPTIVATED HOURS I’m done!!!! I have never fantasized so gloriously about the multiple uses of a plastic bag and a rubber band as I did on my last flight. Admittedly I don’t have children, so I don’t have the patience for them. And this is why!
Now after you get off the plane you get to deal with grabbing and organizing your luggage. Again, not that big a deal for me but I travel with my wife which requires some organization. However, I have been pushed, tripped, bumped and generally assaulted so often at the luggage carousel that I feel I need football pads. On the up side my wife usually has so much luggage that I can skip that day’s weight workout.
Now you get to manage your way onto the shuttle to your parking spot or hotel. Since you don’t want to take out a second mortgage for your house you park in the long term lot which is about a days drive from the airport. This lengthens your trip as well. If you’re going to your car you only hope it is still there with all the wheels and glass still attached. If you’re going to a hotel you just hope they have your room ready because at this point you’re so annoyed and tired you don’t really care that it might be home to a dead body and bed bugs. You can just push the rotted carcass into a closet and the bedbugs can be dealt with later.
People suck. All of them! They are pushy, rude, and lack the basic decency to function in a pluralistic society. All you need to do to see this is travel through any airport in the world. I have no patience for them. It’s why I prefer being in the woods and backpacking. I’ve never met a bear or mountain lion that I feared the way I do the stupidity I see every time I travel. The only thing I hope for when I do get on a plane is that the pilot has at least one more chromosome than the passengers. Because if he doesn’t, we’re all fucked!