a.k.a. Who was the torturous mother fucker who thought this up?
This is the second in a multi-part series of what many men will experience when they learn they have to have prostate surgery. The goal is to accurately and with a little humor explain some of the things the physician either won’t, doesn’t, or forgets to tell you when you go through the process.
The next step in the road to surgery is the cystoscopy. This delightful little piece of evil is designed to be pushed directly into the end of your penis so a physician can display the inside of your bladder, not only to you, but to a group of fledgling wide eyed young students who happen to find their way into the exam room. No one asks if you want them there, but they show up just the same.
Before they insert this garden hose with a camera on the end into your urethra, they go ahead and ask you to wear with the same non-garment with the rear opening similar to what you wore for the CT. They will then leave the room for what seems like hours while you lie there waiting for someone to bring you a blanket. It will be cold. I recommend bringing a sleeping bag and an electric heater. This will prevent you from having to lie down in a very cold room, half dressed, with your genitals visible for anyone how might happen into the room. If the automatic lights go off, just take a nap. They can wake you when they’re ready (yes…this happened to me). When someone finally shows up, sometimes the cleaning crew, they will notify the nurse that you’ve been left in the room. It might be that day, or maybe the next but eventually they’ll show up.
In fact, a very bright, and extremely cheery nurse, will waltz into the room and grab what is now your incredibly shrinking penis that, if you forgot the sleeping bag, is likely partially frost bitten from the cold and without much warning grab the end and shoot a numbing agent into your urethra. She has to do this without warning because it gives her time to get out of the way as you shoot three feet off the table, kicking out in all directions with a response similar to “what the fuck was that!?!” She will then leave the room, and you will be able to settle down for another nap. If the cleaning crew shows up again, just ask them if they found my keys yet.
When the Urologist finally makes it into the room, they will turn a TV screen in your direction and begin to insert this medieval torture device. The numbing agent does its job…to a point. However, once the scope makes it past the prostate into the bladder, all bets are off! To make matters worse, he will turn and twist this thing inside your body, all the while giving you full color images of things you really weren’t meant to see. One of them might be an eight-centimeter ball at the base of your bladder that’s not supposed to be there. It is at this point the doctor will yank the scope out of your body, urine will spill out all over you, the table, and the floor, and you will be thankful your pants and shoes are safely on a chair in the corner of the room.
The doctor will then tell you to get dressed because the fun for the day is almost over. The next thing he needs to do is tell you that you have to have surgery. Upon mentioning surgery, you will be completely incapable of comprehending all the things he’s saying, because you’re still focused on the fact that you have to have surgery. I suggest bringing a friend who can tell you later all the things that were said. They should be able to do shorthand at about 220 words per minute because the doctor talks like an auctioneer. If they can’t though, not to worry. He’s kind enough to send you home with a brochure because let’s face it, what surgery needs is four color tri-fold handouts.
Rex