It’s not even Thanksgiving yet and the war has begun! Run for your lives! Our very existence is at stake! The cups! The cups are everywhere! Oh for the love of God the humanity! Now they’ve taken over our coffee. What’s next? Will Santa Jesus not be welcome in Walmart? I don’t think I want to live anymore. Please can anyone help us? Isn’t there someone out there who loves Santa Jesus like we do?
Is it just me, or does the war on Christmas start earlier and earlier each year? I guess they have to keep up with the shopping trend. Seriously, I haven’t even sat down to have my turkey yet and some asshole thinks armed insurgents from liberal land are about to take over the world with a red paper cup. All I want is some pumpkin pie and to watch the Thanksgiving parade in peace. I could care less about Christmas right now. Can this get any more ridiculous? In case you’re wondering. Yes it can!
Donald Trump, Saint of Bad Hair and everything Christmas, spoke out against Starbucks today and their ruthless attack on Christian values and the chain’s total hatred of Christmas. Now parents have to tell little Johnny that Santa Jesus won’t love him if he drinks his Starbucks hot chocolate. He’ll just have to drink Carnation like the little poor boys who don’t own an X-box. By the way, Carnation hot chocolate made with half and half or straight cream is the bomb!
Seriously, there are so many things in the world that really deserve attention. Why on earth does anyone care whether a business, not a church mind you, a BUSINESS, has no more snowflakes on their paper cups? Is this what we call news? If you are an Evangelical Christian, is this really what you should spend your time and energy attacking? I’m pretty sure there are other things that might be a little more important. Don’t you? Perhaps you could help the poor? Oh wait…I forgot. Santa Jesus doesn’t like poor people.
I know all you Evangelicals think you’re constantly under fire. You’re so afraid to lose your middle class, white bread, hum drum existence that you think even the slightest deviation might turn your children gay. It’s OK. Christmas isn’t under fire. I promise that even if you drink the coffee, nothing bad will happen. You won’t start listening to Black Sabbath and back masked Led Zeppelin records. There is no war on you and no one wants to take over your way of life. Seriously…no one. None of us want to be that fucking dull.
Rex